Reflections and Realizations Deux

I'm tired.

I really don't know what to do with myself right now and it's really bugging me. The combination of being sick for almost two weeks now and it being week 10 are pretty damn frustrating. Studying a week before my first finals seems fruitless and unmotivated, while staring at facebook chat windows only provides temporary relief.

I think that there's really just some serious growing pains that I'm going through, and everything else is a result of that. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to be thankful for and plenty to appreciate... but the same main question keeps popping into my head and I can't answer it: "What am I doing and is it enough?"

I recently realized that throughout my entire life, I've only done enough of everything/anything to keep those evaluating me (parents, teachers, peers, professors, etc.) satisfied with what I was doing and what they asked of me. I found out early on that it would only take a minimal effort to not only please them, but actually convince them that I was doing an excellent job. The end result of this trend is that I don't know what it's like to try my hardest... on anything.

Now as the "real world" full of responsibility and accountability approaches, I have a lot to learn. It is a really scary situation because now the only person who evaluates my performance is me. I answer only to myself. So what am I doing and is it good enough? We'll see.

Every choice made is confronted with this question, and I have an opportunity to redefine what "enough" means for me, otherwise repeat 21-year-old habits.